an american girl in shanghai
my platform for sharing my thoughts, the weird bits of life i see, the music i love, with you.
this is my attempt to remedy that.
recently i have been feeling like something is missing from my life. maybe it is adventure, maybe it is money. more likely than not, it is direction. and purpose.
but lately, i’ve been contemplating the possibility of this mystery ingredient being.. whimsy. my life is missing a touch of whimsy. i’ve also realized that whimsy is quite impossible to add to a life that is built around desperately seeking direction, purpose, and money.
whimsy is a luxury for girls with the time to buy fresh-cut flowers, paint their nails, read books in cafes, and jet off to tropical destinations flowing with sand. sunglasses with tarnished rims, old leather shoes, strangers with dreadlocks, train stations, the smell of leaves and dust and skin and footprints. such is a whimsical life. such is a life i currently do not possess.
the smells in my life include:
- laundry detergent powder
- gasoline
- cat urine
- broken plumbing
- cooking oil
and etcetera.
maybe i just feel trapped, because all around me are stories and people coming and going, and hints of other worlds, people with backpacks and the tan of another country on their faces. the breath they exhale is the air of another city, and i can smell the life of that place when they speak. all i get are teasing hints. and being in china, i know how close i am to everything i want to experience, which makes the torture that much more bittersweet.
im sleepy. i’m going to turn off my computer now and roll around in my bed for a few minutes. this usually fixes things. it is akin to rolling atop a slice of angel cake, smothered in butter. and tomorrow i will bury my face into the boy’s neck and breathe deeply. he smells faintly of leaves and dust and skin. and maybe footprints.
just a little whimsy, it’s all i need.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Adele & Daft Punk
Something About The Fire
(Carlos Serrano Mix)I don’t post mash-ups, but when I do, I make it a good one.
Brilliantly beautiful
40 in 2.5 months.
To steal a line from the great philosopher Apollo Creed: “There is no tomorrow.” Wishes/dreams are things that cannot wait. Act on them now. Right fucking now.
There is never going to be a magical date when you will have a secure enough bank roll, a reasonable amount of free time, and few enough obligations to embark on your dream, whatever it may be. There is no “good” time.
It’s a fairy tail you tell yourself when you’re young. If I just had this much money as a cushion to start … if I just finish this one thing … once I get my family life situated, I’ll begin … ad infinitum. It will never be just right. You either have to suck it up and do it, risks be damned, or you have to take the easy path.
And, if you put if off once, it becomes exponentially harder to get started - you will always find a reason why your dream is impractical. There are millions of legitimate reasons not to pursue a dream - security, time with the people you love, etc. Those things grow as you grow older.
My son asked me last night why I didn’t stop being a lawyer and write for a living - which was my “dream” in college. I felt he was too young for the real answer: “Because your dad was a coward.” It’s moments like that in your later years that really ram home the consequences of the choices you make.
The advice I wish I had followed was that failure IS an option. It is OK to fail at something. It is cowardice not to try something because you fear you might fail. The good life is for the bold. In fact, the best advice I can give you is to FAIL. Get it over with and learn for yourself that you will still wake up the next morning, that you will figure out how to recover. And, once you have learned that this power you have given to the possibility of failure was a waste of your time, it will not be an obstacle. Failure is not the end - it is the beginning.
As practical advice, at 20, I would not be looking for that “safe” job - unless I was damn sure I wanted to be en engineer, doctor, or some other specific professional that requires a lot of upfront training. Take a couple of swings at the unlikely things — if you want to be a musician, NOW is the time to make a go of it. And, the same logic applies to just about anything anyone truly wants to try to be.
Another thing that turning 40 has brought home to me is: get fit and stay fit. Don’t come to 40 weighing 250. It feels like shit. Your life is diminished because of it. Give yourself a chance to enjoy life with your kids, people you love, etc. It’s not just shame I feel when I waddle around outside trying to kick a soccer ball with my boys, it’s also sadness. This stuff was fun when I was young, and I have fucking ruined it, now.
Last, understand what money is. All my life, I thought money was there to buy shit - shit that I needed and, especially, shit that was going to make my life cooler. At 40, I finally realized that money = freedom. You don’t see it now at 20, but you may end up on a path where you do not make much money. This is not a bad way to live your life. But, keep in mind, that no matter how small you live, it will still cost money: you will likely have to pay for food, shelter, and clothing. You will have to pay for healthcare in some way (or, I guess, just die). At least in the U.S., money gives you the freedom to tell that asshole boss to fuck himself (maybe not literally, since little good ever comes from telling of a boss). Money=choice.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Take Your Time - Germany Germany
I’ll be cavorting through the rain naked while I wait
A rare natural phenomenon turns one of Austria’s most beautiful hiking trails into a 10 meter-deep lake, for half the year.
Located at the foot of the Hochschwab Mountains, in Tragoess, Styria, Green Lake is one of the most bizarre natural phenomena in the world. During the cold winter months, this place is almost completely dry, and used as a country park where hikers love to come and spend some time away from urban chaos. But as soon as temperatures rise, the snow and ice covering the mountaintops begin to melt, and the water pours down, filling the basin below with crystal-clear water.
Water levels go from one-two meters at most, to over 10 meters, in the early summer. The waters of Green Lake are highest in June, when this extraordinary place is invaded by divers, curious to see what a mountain park looks like underwater. Fish swimming over wooden benches, a grass-covered bottom, trees, roads, and even bridges create a surreal setting that feels like it belongs on dry ground. That’s because for half of the year, that’s exactly where it’s at.
*adds to list*
(via theteethbehindkisses)
she fucking loves flowers.
especially carnations, she plucked them all off and commenced a carnation-cat orgy all over our couches.
fucking cat.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Diplo & Usher - Climax
If I weren’t at work right now, my panties would be flying across the room. True fuckin story.
**fixed the damn player
I love that moment after the first few sips of coffee, when your heart begins to flutter and breath quickens, in and out, in trembling sighs.
Oh and when tulips arrive at my office from a boy who probably reads my blog
Teehee. <3
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
It almost makes me wanna think there is a reason
For All This - K’s Choice
In a few short hours I’ll be hopping a flight back to the states for the first time in over a year! I don’t know how to feel. I guess it hasn’t hit me yet. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, but all my memories of California are fuzzy and faded.
I guess I’ll take it as it comes. For now, I’ve made a list entitled
THINGS TO EAT IN AMERICA
and it is populated with:
1. In-n-out
2. Chipotle
3. Salad with ranch dressing
4. ANYTHING WITH CHEESE
5. Lots of sandwiches
I guess I’ll add more as inspiration hits.
Will post more from the land of the free. :]
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Niners are going to the championships ****AaaHHHHHH*****
HIP-HOP HOORAY- NAUGHTY BY NATURE
[right-click to download]
“There’s a certain shabby nobility in failing all by myself.”
- Jay McInerney, Bright Lights Big City
Sigh.
